What do you do when you are torn between two decesions? One where you might get something you have been wanting for a while and the other to where you have to go through more pain. Seems obvious right? However, what if the first choice betrays someone's trust?

I'm in the position now with a simple phone number and it is enough to have me up at 5 in the morning. Along with all the other things that have been playing on my mind and eating at my sleep this is a new thing that is making it all the more harder.

I know I shouldn't betray the trust...it is just so tempting you know? I've worked hard at trying to create a new trust that I already lost once by being myself and not trying to be a more honest, or nicer, or whatever type guy than I really am.

I am a man of many ideals and I like to talk about them; however, often people push them aside saying they are too conservative or the like. It has been so much a blessing and so amazing to find a friend that I can actually talk to about some of this stuff and they will sit there and listen to what I have to say.

I have close friends at home, David, Justin, Kat.....all of them are strong to be able to handle me on a regular basis with the mood swings I get. My friend here though has to be one of the strongest and most patient person I have ever met to be able to deal with me on basicly a daily basis and with more of my problems than most people deal with.

I don't know why they do it...it would be far easier for them to drop me like a bag of sand or whatever the saying is..rocks maybe....

They probably don't realize it but they have helped create a change in me. I am still annoying and I still freak out about the smallest things instead of the bigger things. However, as my friend Shelly pointed out to me at dinner the other night, I seem happier and as my roommate Jeremy has been saying a lot I have become more focused and a "good christian little boy". yeah, i know it isn't because of my friend if at all that has help me in any of the aspects, but I find it hard to believe that they don't.

This started out about how I was torn but I feel it ended up more as a tribute. I am so confused about so many things right now that it is hard to keep any thoughts straight. I need something to grab onto, hold onto, that I can use to help focus my mind and regain my resolve. I need God in my life a way I haven't had Him before and I need help. I'm confused, but I get the feeling with people like my friend here that I am going to make it through ok...